Congruent Joy
What is BDSM?
BDSM includes a wide range of practices and fetishes.
It’s not the activity that makes something BDSM.
Just plain tickling and nothing else can be BDSM.
Patting someone on the head can be BDSM.
Reading someone a story can be BDSM.
There are two parts to what makes something BDSM.
One is informed consent.
The consent that the participants have freely agreed to what’s going to happen.
And the informed consent that the participants understand what that means.
An abusive person will use any convenient excuse for their abuse, including claiming that their abuse is “BDSM”. Which it isn’t, if they don’t have the free and honest informed consent of their partner.
However, adults can consensually do activities together, even heavy or extreme activities, without the structure of BDSM.
It’s often useful to do heavier, more extreme, or more dangerous activities within the structure of BDSM, but adults don’t have to, if it works for them, and it’s consensual.
One framework for BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual (from Shibaricon):
Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safe word” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.
Some people want to accept the risk of doing things which other people may not consider “safe”, so they prefer Risk-aware consensual kink as a philosophy.
The practice of BDSM is to make the steps for a successful kink session or relationship explicit:
- clear communication;
- informed consent;
- support, nurture, and aftercare;
- agreement about responsibilities, limits, and emergency preparedness
Not left assumed or implicit.
People can do whatever heavy or extreme activity together without the practices of BDSM as long as they’re consenting adults. And, if they’re both happy and it works for them, that’s fine. I’m not saying that I’d recommend doing that, but it’s their choice.
If, however, there’s a misunderstanding, or something goes wrong, or someone isn’t happy, then it’s often useful to add in more structure.
To use the practices of BDSM more explicitly.