Congruent Joy
Setting Boundaries in BDSM
BDSM can be:
Great fun
An amazing catharsis
Super sexy
Healing
And many other things that people seek.
Yet, a particular BDSM activity or encounter might also be something, or contain something, that you don’t want.
So how do you get what you want, while not getting what you don’t want?
That is setting boundaries.
Yes this is a BDSM experience you’d like to have… and no, these are the things you don’t want in your experience.
Your boundaries will be different than other people’s boundaries, and that’s OK.
You may want something in your BDSM experience that someone else wouldn’t want, and that’s OK.
You may not want something in your BDSM experience that someone else would want, and that’s OK.
Someone might say, “I love this particular BDSM activity! You should do it too!”
Or they might say, “Every partner I’ve ever been with has loved this when I do it to them! You should let me do it to you too!”
There is no “should”.
Sure, you can try it, if you want to. If you think you might like it, but you’re unsure. Try a taste, if that seems like a good idea to you.
But you don’t even need to do that. You may have a completely accurate reaction to a suggestion that no, this isn’t something you’d enjoy or want.
You can read more about personal boundaries on Wikipedia: Personal boundaries
Where boundaries get tricky is when you may be tempted to not to hold a strong boundary against something you don’t want in order to get or keep something else that you do want.
For example, a classic example is someone who stays in an abusive relationship because they don’t want to lose the love of their partner.
What makes this hard is that often being able to obtain what you want while also having strong boundaries is a two step process:
You start holding strong boundaries, which may often lead you to lose whatever it is that you’ve been getting in return for having weak boundaries;
And then, once you are now holding strong boundaries, you can then begin to look for how to obtain what you want in a way that doesn’t lead to your boundaries being crossed.
To continue our example, what the partner in an abusive relationship would often like to know is “How do I stop my partner from being abusive while keeping their love and staying in the relationship?”
And the answer is, often you can’t.
Often, the abused partner may need to leave the relationship and then seek a new relationship which doesn’t contain abuse. Which is hard.
Boundaries are one of those things which can be easier for other people to help us see than it might be for us, while wrapped up in a situation.
Therapists and counselors are particularly valuable. Coaches can also help.
Friends can also be helpful, if they understand that they should be helping you with your boundaries, as opposed to imagining that everyone should have their boundaries.
Boundaries are important in any relationship, but are especially important in BDSM. Someone may have a desire to participate in BDSM (and sometimes that can be a strong desire…), but they also don't want that participation to lead them to doing things, or allowing things being done to them, that they don't actually want.